Clinton Terry Milam

Imagine

A cannon ball shot through your heart, or stomach
    yet you live and breathe still
    you FEEL the empty hole the cannon ball has left
    you feel the weight of it inside, as if it will suffocate you
    you feel the intense pain of this great wound
    yet your eyes see no hole there, no blood, no torn flesh

Imagine
    
    you have lost all feeling
    all will to live
    even the will to love
    all of your purpose in life
    the ability to laugh
    smile
    eat
    sleep
    self control
    you are numb inside
    you are afraid of nothing
    you are afraid of everything

If you do eat
    you feel guilty because your child can not
If you do smile
    you feel guilty because your child can not
If you get any degree of enjoyment out of anything
    you feel guilty because your child can not

 Imagine

    you forget everything
    to shower
    to eat
    to pay bills
    what day it is
    what week or month it is
    to cash checks
    to do your taxes
    to keep appointments
    to care for your home
    to care for your car
    to care for your pets
    to care for your loved ones
    to care for yourself    
    you forget where you put things and search endlessly
    
The one thing you can’t forget is that your child is dead

Imagine

    every memory haunts you
    even the good ones
    they flood your mind all at once
    fearing they will be lost
    
Imagine

    days without sleep
    sleeping for days
    just being in a limbo haze
    nighmares that invade your only escape
    seeing your child alive and well in a dream
        knowing he is really dead
        and waking up wondering if their death was really just a nightmare

Imagine

    your child being murdered
    not knowing what really happened
    but envisioning the scene
    as if you were there
    like a movie it plays in your head
    over and over
    he is dead
    no pause or stop button to shut it off
    it begins and ends on a random reel
    no matter your mood or where you are
    it comes to haunt you when you least expect

Imagine

    you loose all focus
    you make mistakes on things you know how to do
    you forget how to do things you used to know how to do
    you read, but don’t know what you’ve read
    you watch tv, but sit and absorb nothing
    your talking about something and loose what you were trying to say
    you use the wrong words or mispronounce words
    you have difficulty talking and making sense
    you set out to drive somewhere you know how to get to, and you get lost
    you set out to go somewhere and end up going somewhere else, without ever actually deciding to do so
    you repeat yourself

Imagine

    your once strong faith, crumbles to the ground
    you even wonder if there is a god
    you feel betrayed by him
    you feel forsaken
    sometimes you hate him, you scream at him and damn him for not saving your child
    sometimes you beg him and plead with him to bring your child back
    you’d give anything for one more day
    but you know one more day still wouldn’t be enough
    you want to have faith, but it’s so damn hard to
    you just don’t know what to believe

Imagine

Time...
    if your child died on a Tuesday, you will hurt extra bad every Tuesday
    if your child died on the 21st of the month, every 21st of every month will hurt extra bad
    three days have passed and you don’t even notice
    three days have passed and you don’t even notice
    three weeks have passed but it only feels like one week has passed
    three months have passed but it only feels like one month has passed
        
Imagine

    time feeling like it’s moving at warp speed
    Yet each day creeps by while you just want to die
    you hope what they say is true, that you will reunite with your child when you are through

Imagine

    waking up every morning with your first thought automatically being “My child is dead”

Imagine

    Wanting so desperately to be left alone
    you don't want to see to anyone
    you don't want to hear anyone
    be wittness that their life will move on unchanged
    even strangers going on about their business
    the sun coming up each morning reminds you it’s another day of torture
    your afraid to hold on
    yet afraid to let go

Yet at the same time you don’t want to be alone

Imagine

    Being around people overwhelms you to the point of madness
    the things they talk about
    especially when they complain about their child
        don’t appreciate their child
        and complain about trivial things
        yet you too complain about trivial things
        knowing NOTHING is as bad as your child dying

Imagine

Being around people overwhelms you
    their children doing well in school
    graduating from college
    getting a dream job
    getting married
    having a child
        when your child won’t ever get to do those things

Imagine
    
    no one understands you
    you don’t even understand you
    you don’t trust the world
    the legal system
    your neighbors
    strangers
    family and friends
    god

The worst has happened

Your child is dead
Never coming back

The reality replays over and over in your mind

Your child is dead
Never coming back
Your child is dead
Never coming back
Your child is dead
Never coming back

Imagine

it’s been 2 years since your child was alive
    the numbness wears off
    the full realization of what has happened sinks in
    your child is never coming through that door again
    your child will never call you on the phone again
    you will never hear his voice again
        his laughter
        see his smile
        see his bright eyes
        feel his touch
        feel his warm loving hugs
        wipe his tears
        smell him

Imagine

    it’s been 5 years since your child died
    you feel like you’ve been sucked into a time vacumn
    how can it be FIVE years!?
    life has gone on...
        without your child
        without you...
    life has gone on all around you

Imagine

    can you imagine?

Written by Cherri Miele